See it all unfold...

Hard

2009-10-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've written...

I've been wrapped up in everything going on around me that I just completely forgot about this.

Until today.

I find that when I feel scattered inside this always helps.

So much is going on I feel like I'm about to get swallowed up by it all.

Hurt.
Confusion.
Betrayal.
Goodbyes.
Trust.

It really is so much to take in all at once.
I wish they understood.

I dine alone with two cups in front of me...

2009-08-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

Things are changing...
I can feel it.

I'm scared and excited at the same time.

Anxiety takes over a bit as well.

I can't wait for this outcome.

the scene

2009-08-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

How could this all happen so fast?

It seems to me like this summer has gone by in a few quick seconds.

Starting out slow
then becoming so fast
I feel as though
I can't ever catch up...

but I will catch up.

Oh yes yes yes I will.

Free

2009-07-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's what I feel.
Simple and straight forward.

Things have been kinda messy lately.
I don't know what to make of it but I just
keep on.

Tempted to look back...
but I don't and never will.

3409

2009-03-04T14:19:00.000-08:00

It irritates me like crazy.

Childish acts that are done by an adult.

Act your age.

Well, I guess you are?

I must be the stupid one, that's right.

I've known this.
What am I doing?

Hope you're happy sunshine

2009-02-23T16:06:00.000-08:00

Heartache, it's a terrible thing really.
It definately is one of those things
that lets you know you're alive.

I don't know how to deal with it.
It's something that really and truely
is scary to me.

It's like not being able to breathe.
This feeling, it hurts.

You try to inhale but nothing is happening.
You start to panic.
You try to scream for help but you can't.

It's all so crazy.

If I could explain the feeling it would be that.

What am I doing...

Changes

2009-02-17T08:24:00.001-08:00

I'm stuck in a position that scares me more than you'll ever know.

I know exactly what I want but I guess you don't always get that?
Am I right?

Terrible.
Wrong.
Right.
Chaotic.
Ruthless.
Worries.
Laughter.
Love.
Happiness.
Warmth.

It's like i'm on a rollercoaster and I am stuck upside down.

Dizzy Dancingg

2009-02-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

My spirits have been lifted for the last week.
It seems like i've been living in the past,
which is what I have missed so much.

Bobby's back to visit, Chris too.

I feel good.
It's going to be a good month.

<3

1234

2009-02-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think that it would be nice to be in a place that is so big that you don't run into people you know everyday.
Where you're just one person living your life and that's all people know of you.

I just get sick of going places and seeing the same faces always.
Don't you ever just want to see new people with new stories?

Maybe someday Kelly and I can get out of Idaho just for awhile to experience something different like that.

<3

Day 8

2009-01-08T13:23:00.001-08:00

It is nothing but good for my body.
All organic fruits and veggies, you can't go wrong with that.

I've gotten use to the protein shakes finally!
At first I couldn't stand it, it was all I could do to not spit it right back into the glass.
Now, I love love love it!
Yummm.

I just have to start exercising now!

SP

2009-01-07T15:34:00.000-08:00

Today is my 7th day on the 21 Day Purification Program from Standard Process.
I feel...

better but at the same time I don't.

Cleansing is crazy but I love it.

Hopefully the end result is what i'm hoping for! :)

<3

Purify

2008-12-30T11:03:00.000-08:00

So today I started a cleanse.

It's crazy.

I can only eat certain things and
I have to drink this silly smelling
shake.

It's good for me though.

I feel tired today, like crazy tired.

Note to self: Go to bed earlier tonight. Tomorrow is going to be pure chaos in the office.

:(

2008-12-29T10:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I want to go to sleep and never wake up and dream of nothing but good.

I hurt.

Can you tell?

Just

2008-12-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

breathe.

It will get better.

Try not to be so jealous.

oh noo

2008-12-23T09:37:00.000-08:00

I'm just upset.
It's simple... really.
Why do you have to
constantly talk to other girls.

Do you not have any guy friends?

I'm seeing something that has happened before.
Something that happened with #1. (for you not me)

Maybe it's my karma coming back to get me?

Okay so maybe i'm not just upset i'm also worried
like crazy.
Why do I worry so much?

I don't know if anyone ever reads these but myself
but it is definately a good way to vent.

Well Actually...

2008-12-12T15:43:00.001-08:00

I don't feel better.
That lasted for a few minutes... or seconds... maybe.

Fuck myspace.

onetwothree

2008-12-12T15:35:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been frustrated with a lot.

I feel like I can't actually speak on how I feel and if I do
I suffer consequences.

So here I am venting in hopes to feel a little better.

I feel:
Not Appreciated
Scared
Nervous
Excited
Let Down
Loved
Not Loved
Butterflies
Heartache
Self-Consious
Moody

There... I can't believe how much better I already feel.

Slick Roads

2008-12-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a good one.

It was quiet and calm and so so pretty.

I was smiling inside the entire time.

I fell in love with him all over again.

Let's

2008-12-04T15:16:00.000-08:00

talk and fill the airrr.

I feel like singing!

Working on nutritional days sometimes is the most boring thing in the world.
Most of the time I will just daydream about him.

It's been about 7 hours since I last saw his cute face and I miss him moree than ever.

Sometimes I wonder if i'm crazyy?

111888

2008-11-19T10:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday
and I couldn't have asked
for a better one.

Last night with Kelly was perfect.
I had so much fun roasting marshmellows
with him. :)

I am a lucky girl.
That's for suree. :)

Oh,
and Natasha drew an
amazing picture for me too.
What a gal. :)

It started with a shower...

2008-11-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

Animosity,
that's how I feel about her.

On a higher note!
He amazes me more than
you'll ever know.

Beezy still gives me the butterflies

2008-11-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

Kelly and I just wrote the most amazing sonnet recorded in history.

We called it Cougar Sonnet No.5.

This weekend was the best i've had in awhile.

Here are some pictures of what it consisted of...

Complain

2008-10-23T17:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have a problem.
For no reason I’ll just get mad and blow things completely out of proportion.
Is there something wrong with me?
I could blame it on a lot of things but that would get me nowhere.
It will get better soon, I hope.

...

2008-10-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

I don't understand people sometimes.
I guess it's meant to be like that, you know, not understanding everyone.
Sometimes I wish I could.

Wouldn't it be nice?

Edit this

2008-10-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

Things have been divine.

Sunday I cut off all my hair.
!!!
I miss it.
I don't think I'm ever cutting it again.
Sometimes when I'm feeling stressed or tired with things I do something stupid like cut all of my hair off.

Note to self: Please don't ever do that again.

Yesterday Kelly and I had a photo shoot with
Ethan and Tiffany in Boise.

Perfection.

I'm starting to finally roll my own cigarettes.
I think it's going to eventually help me quit because it isn't as convenient.

Oh, and I have Fridays off from now on.
It works for me.

My Mantra

2008-09-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

"I get to show up, be my fabulous self & everyone just gets to deal with it."

;;;;'

2008-09-24T14:52:00.001-07:00

jfdsafdjsafksa;fjkl;a;;;;;;;;;
i miss my surger so much
i'm anxious.

Note To Self:This is me

2008-09-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

This person is in love with love.

They believe in fairy tales and love.

They're not to be confused as stalkers or creepy because that's not what a hopeless romantic is.

All hopeless romantics are idealists,the sentimental dreamers,the imaginative and the fanciful when you get to know them.

They often live with rose colored glasses on.

They make lovelook like an art form with all the romantic things they do for their special someone.

I still hear trumpets

2008-09-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like i'm drowning in these emotions.
Like some little girl wrapped up in
everything crazy.

Please make this easier.
Please please please.
Begging is something i'm not
use to doing often but you
seem to bring it out of me.

Let go of whatever is holding you back.
Live.

Try using your heart and not your head and
life will be easier.
Love.

Trust me, I promise.

1118.0412

2008-09-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like things are going as planned?
It's a good feeling.
That's the feeling I am getting right now.

Even though it isn't easy, i'm happy.

Post-It

2008-09-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

I think the dramatic state of mind has ended.
Between everyone.

I feel refreshed.

Fall is coming.

Torn.

2008-08-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

Now I really know the feeling.
Heartbreak?
It's something i've heard people
speak about but have never experienced.
I've seen people cry.
Melancholy.
Now that person is me.
It's hard.
I won't lie.

Nutshell

2008-08-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

So,
I'm starting my 2nd job on Saturday
and i'm terrified.

Working 7 days a week is not something I really want to do with my life.

This means I don't get to see Kelly as much or my friends.
Just thinking about it almost brings me to tears.

So many new changes in the past few weeks.
It's getting hard to handle.

I'm still waiting for something big to happen...

Blank.

2008-08-26T08:47:00.001-07:00

It sucks.
Having to do this all over again but added with a twist.

Today should be pretty decent.

Work.
Interview.
Thrifting with Kelly.
Then back to sleeping alone. :(

Ugh.

Something big needs to happen.

Twitter

2008-08-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

He makes me feel everything amazing.

I've never been so happy.

Beacon of Hope Overnighter

2008-08-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

So cute.

This is my idea of a perfect summer morning.
Fishing with a hotdog works everytime.

Yeah, I didn't even try.

Haha.
Never go camping with a low flashlight battery.

We would have died without him.

Seriously.
Kelllahhh, I lovvvvvvve thattt shirt.

Jumble

2008-08-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

Oh myyy!
Today has been a blur at work.
I can't stop thinking about other things.
I have too much on my mind lately.

Money.
Jobs.
Kelly. (awwz)
Friends.
Moving.

I need to figure this all out soon.
I wish there was a quick fix to everything.

The rest of today is going to be boring.
I'm actually still at work and probably will be for another hour.

I need to get some cigarettes.
I haven't quite figured out how to roll them yet.
Smoking seems to help me focus.
It's a terrible habbit that someday I will eventually need to quit.
Not now though.
I'm not ready.

Lately

2008-08-04T10:46:00.000-07:00

This man has been on my mind.

Oh, and this one too.

Oh and

2008-07-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

by the way...
emotional rollercoasters suck.

Dilemma

2008-07-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

So.
yesterday I went back home after being at my moms in Nampa for a week.

Boise really ...
is different.
It's a cold feeling.
Well, where I live anyway.
Negativity.
Laziness.

I can't take it.
I want out.
Now.

Ouch!

2008-07-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Kelly stretched my ears yesterday and they are killing me.

I just don't know if i'll make it.

Eep!

Bandages!

2008-07-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,
Bobby, Kelly, Breeze and I almost got attacked by ducks while feeding them bread.

We also went to a tattoo shop in search for some 7/16 tunnels only to find a plethora of glass dildos. Leaving there, since I wasn't about to stick a dildo through my ear and call it jewelry, we ventured off to this store in the Karcher Mall called "Sikk stuff". They had decent stuff there for my ears. The lady helping us out was older than my grandma. It was bizarre and cute at the same time.

Ending the night with a long drive back to Boise and Vegas Vacation on VHS made the night a perfect Tuesday.

Flower Pot

2008-07-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

I look back on those days.
The ones in the small room of red.

Endless nights full of crazy kids
and beautiful voices.

I miss it.

Her too,
and just
those moments, really.

Sometimes I wish I could go back
and
do it over
again
because it
was that much
fun.

Some books that I am about to explore...

2008-07-09T10:18:00.001-07:00

Paying attention is sometimes a problem I have

2008-07-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

A quiet drive.

Silence.

No fear of awkwardness.

It's the small things that amaze me.

Intensity

2008-07-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

It starts off slow.
Feeling completely normal.

Then the feeling of excitement and weightlessness begins.

Focused in amazement.
Complex thinking.

Away from myself.
I begin to see beyond this place.

Hard to believe.

Change.
It's good.

Adequate Measures

2008-07-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

Choking.
Unsure of what to do.

Asphyxiation.
I wish.
Sometimes.

You know, it's what I call a fake thought.
Those come from time to time.

It must be...

that time again.

Breathe.

2008-07-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

Her heart is made of gold.
She's crazy and hazy.

His middle name is Felix.
He dreems in his room of red.

Her favorite thing is smooths.
Her smile is like the sunshine.

He sleeps so cute and sweet.
He makes me everything amazing.

Her life is a day at a time.
Her favorite thing is rage.

This is what makes my life happy.

6:30AM

2008-06-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

He makes me feel everything amazing.

Rooftop Drunks

2008-06-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

So, Boise is starting to finally feel like home to me.
Things are going really well.
I'm happy.
It's really strange.

Although, I miss them all.
Hopefully I see them very soon.
They're my oxygen.

Someone take me to see ......

please?

W.W.B.D?

2008-06-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

Bathroom Counter

2008-06-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

Moving has changed my life quite a bit already.
Things seem a lot different.
My daily agenda is not familiar.

I wonder how long it will take to make things feel comfortable?

I miss my friends.
Fuck gas prices.
Someone should invent a teleporter.

I think.

I honestly do care.

2008-05-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

That silly little boy with no dreems who hides from everything that scares him.

I love him.

and...

That girl with so much energy when she enters a room everyone is filled with it.

I love her too.

Why does everything have to be so complicated.

We need to stop thinking so hard
and
just...

smile

and

live simply.

With You

2008-05-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

Leaving...

I might die.

Air Tight

2008-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

This feeling of consumption is overwhelming.

So many things I wish I could help but don't know how to go about it.

Expression of words...

Sometimes doesn't work.

Wishing for understanding.

Or listen.

How can you breathe?

Observing all of this makes me feel suffocated.

Better yourself.

I know you can.

It's a big step, I know.

Try?

I

hope
hope
hope

and

pray
pray
pray

I do this out of love.

This feeling of consumption is overwhelming.

A Wish

2008-05-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

To

Fly

Away.

Somewhere

Far

Far

Away.

To forget things that matter

And

Leave it all behind.

Alert

2008-04-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Basically focused.

So much that I can't even begin to describe.

What an amazing feeling to just be able to think and actually comprehend.

This is something that i've needed.

I can feel it.

What an amazing feeling.

I can't wait for this to become something frequent.

Breathe.

Adventure

2008-04-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be doing something I never thought I would.
To be alone.

Alone?

Alone.

Can you believe it?
So far away from home but not far at all.

The outcome of this whole adventure will be amazing I can already tell.

Thank goodness for that girl with the scattered brain that I love oh so much.
Without her this adventurous adventure would be a long and desolate journey.

I love you.

Overcast

2008-04-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Tons of things happening all at once.
Time is slow and everything so precise but not.

How do you think I feel?
Hazy.

Torment

2008-04-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I really just don't know anymore.

I seem to do this over and over to myself and I wish I could stop.

Why do people do this?

I mean, i'm sure i'm not the only one right?

I need to stop this:

1. Wearing my heart on my sleeve
2. Moving too fast
3. Feeling that need to have someone

I need to start this:

1. Meeting new people (friends)
2. Occupying my time with things other than this
3. Become more independent

Hopefully things start to unfold for me.

Hopefully.

Money

2008-04-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

It's something I wish didn't exist.

I seriously think everyone would do a lot better without it.

Live off the land.

Someone said that to me once and I thought they were crazy but now it's all starting to make sense to me.
Think about it.